Surrinder Johal

I was born in India immigrated to England when I was three with my family. My life however was mapped out for me from the moment I was born. I was taught never to question anything but to do as l was told – all decisions were taken out of my hands – what I studied, my career, whom l married, how to be a good Asian wife and mother. Inside something was hollow which l could not fill. 

 

During my marriage l experienced Narcissistic abuse - belittling comments and criticism damaging me emotionally plus  financial and sexual abuse, It left me with feelings of low self worth, guilt , isolation, anxiety and depression with no one to turn to.  I was raised never to talk about family matters outside the home so l carried the shame of not being good enough throughout my marriage .

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As the children grew up l worked longer hours in my career in housing to avoid the sadness within my marriage and to be able to continue the perfect marriage image I had created. Issues were still there and it became unbearable to ignore and I had to make decisions to change my life. ​

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l just wanted to hide away - be invisible. 

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And that’s how l stayed for years; I numbered all those feeling by working excessively and drinking, because l thought l was doing right by my kids and not realising the damage l was causing them. Here.. came the guilt My marriage did not improve, l continued to endure abuse. I was told by family that l had to stay otherwise no one would marry my beautiful daughter, so l stayed 13 more years keeping up appearances despite the sadness within my marriage and to be able to continue with the ‘perfect family’ image.

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Then just after my 50th birthday l finally left my husband; it was a spur of the moment decision and within 3 months of me leaving he took his life. 

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After my husband’s death, there was no script that l wanted to follow but my own gut feelings. Initially l thought moving house l would feel safe but l was still stuck and didn't have the tools to move forward .

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l decided to invest in my healing and re-examine who l wanted to be for me and my family and no longer to please others. I decided to change my career in housing.  

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I chose to develop self-love: something that l never had done.

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I had some counselling initially and slowly l decided to follow my compassion to help other South Asian women on their journey. After frustration that the counsellor didn't understand South Asian culture and I could feel it was so needed. I changed my career - gained qualifications in hypnotherapy and counselling and read a lot of books on self-help plus l invested in mentors to help me tame the inner critic , connect to myself , learn that l was enough just as l was , not broken but had been suppressed.  l realised that l could create the chapter of my life.   

I now want to share my experience and knowledge to help you on your journey to become visible again – bring the colour back into your life – you only have one life.  You deserve a NEW chapter an EMPOWERED one.